So everyone knows the general plot of Harry Potter, but take a look at my version of the events of each film. This is from a slightly skewed shippers perspective. Please keep in mind this is a parody and no offense is meant to any of the actors and/or characters. There is also some bad language and adult themes that you may want the kiddies to stay away from. Contact me with comments and/or criticism. I hope you enjoy!

Harry and Hermione are finally left alone.

"You know, I love you."

"I know, Harry. I can't believe we had to set up this entire scheme just to get some time alone together. You still have the stone in your pocket, right?"

"No worries. It was a great plan, baby."

"I know. But coincidentally, the bad guy happens to be in the next room."

"I'm scared of the English white man in the turban. He may kill me. This may be the last minute of my life."

"Soooo... I know we're only 11, but I don't want to die a virgin..."

[Que the sweet Harry/Hermione theme that plays whenever they're alone together.]

"Of course you aren't going to die, silly."

"But how can you be sure? We'd better shag now just to be safe."

"I'm positive you'll survive. There's a sequel for God's sake! Freakin' perve! You're lucky I love you."

"Now go on... go save the world. Maybe we'll sneak in a quick snog when you get back."

"Okay then. I'll make this quick!"

So Harry fights the English white man in the purple turban.

Who turns out to be Voldemort. Someone is in desperate need of some moisturizer. Like big time.

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