So everyone knows the general plot of Harry Potter, but take a look at my version of the events of each film. This is from a slightly skewed shippers perspective. Please keep in mind this is a parody and no offense is meant to any of the actors and/or characters. There is also some bad language and adult themes that you may want the kiddies to stay away from. Contact me with comments and/or criticism. I hope you enjoy!

On the train, Ron joins Harry and makes a funny face.

"Listen, you're really nice, an I know we're going to be best friends an all. But you're kind of creeping me out with all of the strange faces you make."

"You know what? I'm dirt poor. I'm one of seven kids. And you're going to get the girl, who should be interrupting us any minute now... making faces is all I have going for me, alright?!"

Just as Ron predicted, they're interrupted when Harry finally meets his future wife.

"Hi, I'm Hermione. I'll pretty much be saving your lives every single year because you're both too inept to listen to reason. Nice to meet you."

"Love you. Can't live without you."

"The Hell?"



"Well, we've stared longingly at each other for long enough. I've got to be going so you can be left thinking about me."

"Do you want to find a private cabin so we can snog each other senseless?"

[ ! ]

"Don't be silly; we have tons of angst to get through before we get to that point. I mean, you haven't even saved me from the troll yet! Anyhoo... see you at school!"

At school, Harry meets Draco Malfoy, who's evil. We know this because of his evil hair color. And he has minions. See his minions? They do his bidding. Evil people always have minions. Or henchman. But henchman are usually smarter than Crabbe and Goyle. So Crabbe and Goyle are only minions.

Ron is a sidekick. Hero's have sidekicks. Sidekicks are usually funny and often die in tragic and horrible ways saving the hero. Ron would rather be a minion. At least minions get laid. Even if they have to rape and ravage the kidnapped girlfriend-of-hero. Sidekicks never get any nookie. Ron is thoroughly unhappy about his sidekick status.

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