So everyone knows the general plot of Harry Potter, but take a look at my version of the events of each film. This is from a slightly skewed shippers perspective. Please keep in mind this is a parody and no offense is meant to any of the actors and/or characters. There is also some bad language and adult themes that you may want the kiddies to stay away from. Contact me with comments and/or criticism. I hope you enjoy!

It's Wizard Duel Time!

Which is actually kind of funny because, obviously, Harry will win.

Malfoy will never win. It's laughable. He's a henchman of the Evil Overlord. He shouldn't even bother. It'll just go to piss off the Hero and force the Hero to display some power no one knows he had.

Requirements for being the henchman: Must be somewhat good-looking, but has evil glare, eyepatch, scar across his cheek and/or optional claw or pegleg. He must be somewhat smart, which distinguishes him from being a minion, even though the Evil Overlord will never listen to your good advice. He must hate the hero for no good reason. The henchman usually always dies, except in cases where they can be left in a mental institution or left to live a depressing life, completely alone.

Harry is the Hero- he'll always win. Hero requirements: Must be unusually good-looking, preferably "ruggedly handsome." Must have secret powers/sword talent/computer skills that no one sees until the end of the story. Other powers may manifiest themselves as need-be throughout the story. He will always win the battle, sports event and will most definitely defeat the Evil Overlord. Malfoy trying to win against him simply makes Harry look better.

Ron watches the fight from the sidelines because he's only a sidekick. Sidekick requirements: Must be funny. If you aren't funny, then you aren't the sidekick. Look into other job opportunities in the hero's inner circle.

You must wear funny or distinctive clothing. Sidekicks rarely have sex, except with unimportant characters we don't care about. After all, this is the hero's story and you are not really important in the grand scheme of things.

[ ... ]

If you do, by some miracle, have sex, then you or she will most positively die. Bringing us to the final requirement of the sidekick...


[ ! ]

Yes, sidekicks always die. At least, the good ones do. But remember that it is usually your death that fuels the hero's anger to avenge you, thus killing the Evil Overlord. Your funeral will be sad and poignant.

Hermione also watches from the sidelines, with a look of worry.

Hermione is the Girlfriend-of-Hero. The GoH is always beautiful in a very distinct way, different from all the other women in the movie (the exception being the girlfirend of the evil overlord, who is always evil and beautiful, but in the '3 pounds of make-up, leather pants'- wearing way. GoH is more naturally beautiful). She also tends to move in slow motion when the hero looks at her, and seems to walk around with a fan that blows her hair in the just the perfect way to look pretty. She rarely wears make-up, because, of course, she's naturally beautiful.

She's always a better fighter than even the hero, but, strangely, always needs the hero to fight for her at all crucial moments, thus proving his love for her. The evil henchman will almost always try to rape/ravage you at some point, despite his overblown announcements of how much he hates you. You will almost positively be captured by the Evil Overlord at least once, but his minions will always fall for the, "I want to have sex with you, so come open my cell door..." trick, allowing you to kick their asses and escape. You always play an important part in keeping the hero alive.

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